You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
