theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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