thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
