That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
