Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
