There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
