State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
