u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just tell him i said nine months
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
