I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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