God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
