swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
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Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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