One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize