she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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