I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
