the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
