I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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