She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize