I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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