remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
