I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
