I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
