textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
