my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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