Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
