you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
