I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
