My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
