You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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