Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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