Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
