I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
