Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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