I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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