Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
