When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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