Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
