hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
