just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
