We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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