i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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