Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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