yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
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Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
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You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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