shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
vagina is talking i cant
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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