thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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