Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
