I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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