It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
