Porn is love you can see.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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