i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
