just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
