You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
