so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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