My hand turned me down
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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