I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
