I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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