i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
