I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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