I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
