Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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