She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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