My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
