It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
